My Husband and I Don’t Exchange Holiday Gifts

We have never regretted our decision to not buy each other presents

Most couples get into a gift-giving routine. They either compose a list of desired items (easier today with an Amazon Wish List), they drop hints, or they hope for the best. However, the mutual decision at the beginning of a relationship to forego gifts altogether is an unusual one.

Our policy of not exchanging gifts stems from financial issues early in our marriage, a history of disappointing gifts from my ex-husband, and the alleviation of additional holiday stress. My husband and I have been together for 35 years. When I first broached the topic, he was delighted with the suggestion. It was a relief not to have to stress out about buying the “right” gift and not to be a hostage to societal expectations.

At the beginning of our relationship, it was about money. I have always been someone who attempts to live within a budget. We have a blended family. Including the daughter we share, my husband has three other children from two former wives, and I have two other children with my ex. Allocating about a $150 per child, Christmas was expensive. We didn’t need to add extra money to the mix by purchasing gifts for ourselves.

Later, when finances were less of an issue, we were happy to continue our unusual tradition. Throughout the year, if either of us wants something that we can afford, we buy it without waiting for a special occasion. On our birthdays and our anniversary, we go out for a nice meal.

Most men are not sharp or creative enough to select a meaningful or desirable gift. Bad gifts from men have long been mocked: kitchen appliances, vacuums, exercise equipment, or something that is really for themselves like a new TV or tickets to a concert or sporting event. Growing up, I remember my dad buying my mom a new robe every Christmas, a tradition I carried on after he passed away.

My ex-husband bought me the stupidest stuff — like flying porcelain geese two years in a row that I pretended to like. This was after totally forgetting my 22nd birthday, when I was eight-months pregnant. During our five years of marriage, the only gift that my ex ever got me that I actually liked was an ocean painting, which he repeatedly asked to be returned after we divorced.

I know, “It’s the thought that counts.” But in many cases, little to no thought goes into the purchase of gifts. They are last-minute, desperate purchases that the recipient either pretends to love and later complains about it to others or expresses their displeasure and gets into an argument with the giver.

Now that my husband and I are retired with fixed incomes and have eight grandkids, we no longer buy Christmas presents for our adult children — who earn more than we do. (We do acknowledge their birthdays.) Instead, I make something crafty for them and their partners. We, of course, do buy gifts for our grandkids and other children in our lives.

Honestly, at this point in my life, I have no need for more “things.” In my 60s, I am at the place in life where I am excited to give away my unneeded belongings. Plus, I have always valued experiences over material possessions: I enjoy traveling and nature, meals with friends and family, and attending live theater and musical events.

While many will criticize our non-gifting tradition as being cheap, selfish, lazy, or whatever, some people will understand. Not exchanging birthday presents, Valentine’s Day stuff, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day gifts, or Christmas presents doesn’t mean we don’t love or value each other, it signifies that the strength of our relationship is not dependent on societal norms.

(C) Joyce O’Day 2023. All Rights Reserved.

AL was NOT used in the creation of this article.